It’s the most wonderful time of year again when it’s acceptable to admit that you watch Hallmark holiday movies followed by several obligatory qualifiers like “it’s only because they’re so bad” or “only during Christmas” or “only because I think it’s sad that Gretchen Weiners never got famous”.
So grab a mug of eggnog (just kidding, I know it’ll be your parents’ Yellow Tail that you hope they don’t notice is missing) and settle in for a new way to enjoy these ultimate guilty pleasures, like “9 Lives of Christmas” (real movie), “Merry Kissmas II” (also real movie), and “A Princess for Christmas: Wintertime Royal Joy” (coming out next year probably).
I can’t tell if the best part about this is the fact that perfectly bland white actress is named after the perfect bland white state or the sh*tty Photoshop job that even I could do
– Someone is named a holiday word name that’s irrelevant for 11 months out of the year and are obliged to always explain that their parents who clearly didn’t love them enough named them something dumb specifically because of Christmas (examples: Noël, Holly, Nicolas, Carol, Krissy Kringle, Seasonal Affective Disorder)
– A coworker tells the single leading lady “you know what your problem is...? followed by “You’re too kind!” or “You’re addicted to work!” or “You won’t have children and change yourself for a bland potato of a white man like society expects, Karen!”
– Grown-ass characters well into their 30s can only express their emotions through office Secret Santa or creating the perfect window display to save the mom-and-pop shop on main street
The people who spent last Christmas with her should be offended but not as much as I am right now by his ironic ugly sweater
– The movie is set in a quaint town in Maryland, Connecticut, or Vermont exclusively inhabited by Caucasians in infinity scarves and Melissa Joan Hart
– A guy named Todd or Chris says something like “Christmas is about spending money people don’t have on stuff people don’t want!” to which a woman named Layla or Becca will say “You know what you need? Some Christmas cheer!” What did that even solve, Layla?! You literally contributed nothing constructive!
– Tokenized vaguely gay characters bickering in a jolly way but god forbid walk under the mistletoe
– Sh*t gets magical with a helpful Santa Claus, or an escaped elf who is also a handsome man, or an old-ass angel with nothing better to do than sit on a bench until some Basic Betch named Penny comes along who just needs to *believe* again
– Christmas ghost (???) Sure, why not?
– A generic version of Paul Bettany says something like “you had me at sewing kit”
THIS WAS A DEADASS QUOTE FROM A DEADASS HALLMARK MOVIE THAT SOMEONE DEADASS GOT PAID FOR, and yes, I’ve already told everyone I know about it
No, Wonder Years, you’re better than that line!
– A playboy royal from a “sovereign principality” named something like Conravia or Griselward or Zootopia falls for the hired help who makes him see the joy in his country because that’s obviously more important than being well-versed in your country’s GDP or stance on nuclear proliferation
Rule #1 of Hallmark movies: you can’t fall in love unless you’re both in turtleneck sweaters (also be white)
– A precocious child who should be disciplined for whiny and bratty behavior is rewarded with a bunch of undeserved effort put in on her/his behalf to find the *perfect* Christmas present
– The lines “You know my rules about Christmas” or “Honey, it's about…grandma” or “Dear! The carolers are here!” are said verbatim. Chug the glass if it’s all from the same movie.
– A child actor is one stuttered line away from his/her mom force-feeding them “go-go juice” off-set
Mariah Carey, who becomes stronger every time “All I Want for Christmas is You” is played, having to perform next to a basic child actor is a gd tragedy
– The word “Christmas” is turned into a godforsaken pun like “kiss-mas”, “gift-mas”, or “.gif-mas”
– The leading lady leaves her job at the end because “nothing is more important than spending time with loved ones!” but has immediate regrets come January 1st. That betch be unemployed and turns out you can’t list “Christmas spirit” on your LinkedIn.
– A woman talks out-loud to an animal and then interprets a shake of its head as a legitimate response
– The “oh no we fell in the snow and are now staring deeply into each others’ eyes for an unbearably long 45 seconds”
– Holiday struggles that are so privileged it hurts
There are *real* problems in the world, Tanya, like how no one knows what the tax bill is about or the fact that Donald Trump endorsed an actual child molester, but yeah, no that would be *crazy* about the luggage HAHAHAHAHA
– The film is set in New York but its pans out to shots of Chicago or more likely, a green screen
– For a sum equivalent to my whole year in the Philippines, someone legitimately paid money to produce a movie called “Fir Crazy”. I don’t even have a joke here, it’s joke enough.
Rotten Tomatoes called it: We don’t even sink as low as to judge Hallmark movies. It’s like trying to understand the GOP. No one wins
– The Christmas ball that is described as “ritzy” or “glamorous” in the film but is so low-budget/effort, they include the sound guys as background guests
– The heartbroken scene where the leading lady stares out of a snow-frosted window with a mug of hot chocolate*
*all mugs in the Hallmark universe are required to be empty
– The castles are reused for all the movies. It’s the same gd castle and it’s located in Sinaia, Romania, and you think I’m joking but look, I’ve literally been there:
Let’s be honest, you didn’t really need this drinking game to get yourself through a whole Hallmark movie. You’re drunk already……on Christmas cheer, duh!
Love,
Your hot mess, Maggie