Wow, guys, a whole cycle of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette/ Sexy Sex Sex Island has already passed since my last Bachelor Application, and despite the dozens of failed relationships that have been created and destroyed on the shows in that eight month time span, I don’t even have one failed relationship to show for it!!
I know, it’s crazy, right??
America is gearing up for the next Bachelor but unfortunately, Long-Suffering Chris Harrison did not go with Peter, whose gap-tooth smile could have healed our political division and brought tolerance and understanding to the world. I mean….
Instead the next Bachelor is this random potato.
ew
Fear not; I will personally make this white bread, beige rando entertaining. Look for me on the small screen this upcoming season because this application is for sure a winner.
GIRL QUESTIONNAIRE
(Yes, the application is really called this and yes, these are some of the real questions)
Today’s Date: October 3rd, Official Mean Girls Day, in this, the Year of our Lord Regina George 2017
Address: Somewhere in Southeast Asia, most probably at my local bubble tea shop telling Dexter the Bubble Tea Guy/ My Best Friend way too many personal details about my life
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from? My real name is Margaret (or if you ask my adult brothers, they’d still say “Fargaret”) but I go by Maggie. It’s a cute story of how I got my nickname though. In the womb, my mother could tell I was destined for greatness and I would grow up to be hella regal, so she had a vision to name after the Patron Saint of Boss-Ass Bitches, Dame Maggie Smith.
What is the next big city near you? Literally any block of Metro Manila is bigger, more densely populated, and tougher than 85% of US cities. Metro Manila makes Indianapolis look like the Sad Charlie Brown Christmas Tree of cities.
Weight: I no longer subscribe to a patriarchal system in which my weight dictates my worth. That’s being said, I do subscribe to the Mindy Kaling Diet, in which I provide sustenance to my body through clever feminist nicknames. Just call me Indiana Ephron.
Height: Short enough to have to use a spatula to grab things on my highest shelf, tall enough to be the tallest person on a crowded elevator of Filipinos
Hair: Once described as “you look like the ghost of an Italian immigrant woman”
Are you working full-time? Who’s asking? FAFSA??! My alma mater already asking for alumni donations??! Nice try, guys. You know full well I work full time for literally no money. Who looks like the fool now?
Do you have siblings? HAHAHAHAHA. My fierce love for all seven of my siblings (give or take a brother) is so strong, I am literally their mother now. They can be my interesting three minute promo intro on the premiere though. My beautifully diverse brothers and sisters who combined look like a legit GAP ad and then like…me in a corner, looking pasty.
Have you been arrested, charged, or convicted of a crime of any type? No, but I am physically compelled to always take a book from the “take one, leave one” lending libraries around bougie neighborhoods and never leave one. I am a monster. I am It.
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film? Yes, you might have seen my work in the 1998 Cosco Floral-Patterned Baby Car Seat catalogue spread as a baby model. Not to brag, but my career even culminated in my being carried in a children’s clothes line fashion show by my aunt in v 90s garb, Blossom hats and all. It’s been hard to be raised in the limelight, but hey, that’s showbiz, baby.
I would have pursued my dream of theatre, but as the play director to the “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” musical my 7th grade class put on once said, “there’s no small parts, only small actors, so here, be the silent bird and go stand in the back”.
Do you drink alcoholic beverages? What’s your favorite drink? Nice try, The Bachelor. You can’t fill me full of Bellinis to get me to spill my hard-earned secrets. That’s just what my closest, most trusted friends do when they know I’m sitting on particularly juicy gossip.
Are you genuinely looking to get married & why? Like, honestly you got me there. On one hand, my life is crazy rad as is. I’m independent, only have my own ambitions to prioritize, live in foreign country, work at my dream job, and answer to nobody ‘cept my grandma, Linda, and my concerning bank account. But on the other hand, I am looking to diversify my income channels (ie. marry rich) so…..
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show? I actually believe a genuine connection could be made in an environment such as this show as it does in fact suspend reality creating an ersatz vacuum in which one’s truest self can genuinely be revealed as one deals with the stress and pressure of the process, making one so vulnerable as to actually be compelled to find true companionship in another who has the potential to fulfill the old saying “to be loved is to be known”.
Psych, I’m in it for THE CHAMPAGNE AND PROMISE OF ONE DAY BEING PAID TO PROMOTE BUMP-ITS ON MY INSTAGRAM, DUH, BETCH.
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction. Physically, the face of a young Joe Biden and the body of a young William Henry Harrison. Personality-wise, I just want a thinking Democrat who can explain taxes to me, is a reliable 80s karaoke partner, will try life-changing but perilous street meat with me, wants to adopt, has an unwavering loyalty to John Oliver and Ira Glass, is an intersectional feminist, can play along with my Hamilton references, and would rewatch all of Boy Meets World with me, even the dark episodes. IS THAT SO HARD TO FIND, UNIVERSE??
Do you have any special talents? Tell us! Yes. I have a borderline dangerous curiosity about Scientology and have seen all the best documentaries about it to the point I have an encyclopedic knowledge about L. Ron Hubbard’s legally nonexistent Sea Org. I have the ability to force myself to develop sympathy crushes on celebrities who do not need my sympathy crushes (like Ed Sheeran- I don’t even like his rap!). I am a pro at catastrophic thinking and know exactly 3% of the lyrics of “Despacito” (despacito, Puerto Rico, and poquito). I also can leisurely debate if trash reality TV like The Bachelor actually hurts or empowers the feminist cause of furthering strong representation of women in the media.
I mean, if this gets rejected, all else fails, I stay a non-profit advocate and continue to fight against the online sexual exploitation of minors, but hey, potato, pot-ah-to.